For SCIENCE!

For the last decade I've been avoiding specific foods due to various reactions.

• Soy: Shortness of breath, swelling, mental haze, fatigue
• Egg: Lethargy
• Dairy: Gastrointestinal distress, this pretty much makes me awful to be around

Let me step back in time first to something that was seemly unrelated. 

Over the years I've experienced "muscle weakness". Whenever I had exerted a significant amount of energy in a task, stood for too long, danced for an evening, missed a meal, or just was tired at the end of the day. My legs wouldn't hold me up. I would stumble and sometimes just fall over. The first time I experienced this was after I crushed my radius in 2013. 

I was attending a dance weekend, and during a dance I found that couldn't support myself. I collapsed. The person I was dancing with thought I was doing a move. After I explained that I actually needed help getting off the floor to sit, I was able to rest.

This would continue periodically through the years. I saw many doctors and got a plethora of tests. Muscular neurological test, blood test, genetic testing, and more! There was no identifiable disease, disorder, or anything they could find. The doctors weren't sure why I was falling over. 

To mitigate my falling risk, I carried around a collapsable cane. I couldn't explain what was happening or point to a diagnosis, so I kept it quiet. I would wait until no one was looking and hobble back home. Once I had rest, I was able to walk again.

We had a suspicion that this was related to my episodes of reactive hypoglycemia. Reactive hypoglycemia for me, was a loss of vision, migraine, and retreating to a dark room and sleep to recover for the rest of the day. I also found it hard to walk or generally function in this state. While it was unclear if there was a link, I wanted to try something.

In 2020 Elle introduced me to the keto diet. She had adopted it as a last resort for her unexplained migraines. We didn't know why it helped her, or if it would help me. But I was willing to try.

With that, I cut out sugar and carbohydrates. 

Once I got into ketosis, I found that my reactive hypoglycemia was under control! All that to say, while I was in ketosis I had more stability and strength! I didn't know how it helped, but I was very happy that it did.

Then about three years ago, I moved to Colorado and found "soy & corn free eggs". A magical concept of not feeding chickens soy but letting them anything else. I didn't find myself reacting to the eggs ... I could add something back to my diet! A mind-bending experience.

Last month I went to a new allergy specialist to see if they could do some type of soy exposure, like they do for peanut allergies, so when ingested I didn't have to fear for my life. 

They started with a skin test. All negative, no reaction to any of my list ... strange. Not a big surprise as I've never had more than grass and cats show up for those anyway. 

Next was a blood test for soy. Negative as well. There was nothing they could treat, and their official diagnosis "you are not allergic to soy; your body just might not like it".

I was frustrated, upset, curious, and driven. If they say I'm not allergic to soy, fuck it let's do some science!

To kick off this experiment we started with chocolate. This Extreme Dark Chocolate is only 88%, I prefer 100%, so the only extreme part for me was the "contains: soy lecithin" on the label. It was enough to make me feel fuzzy in the past. Elle and I figured a good start was a single square a day. When I tried it, I felt a small buildup of mucus and my nerves were going crazy. But nothing significant happened.

Once I made it through the whole bar, with no effect. We progressed to eggs, which were pasture raised ... not soy free. If I learned anything about chickens, there is a 100% chance they are getting soy (and corn) as a supplementary feed. I agreed to let Elle mix in the regular eggs with the soy-free without letting me know. This was to remove some of the mental stress and allow more science. 

A week or so passed with no noticeable difference in my energy or mood. Pretty big news! So, where do we go from here?

I decided to go hard, so to speak. I got a package of edamame and ate a single edamame bean. I imagine it sounds rather trivial. As you can see by the spread, I was prepared for the worst. I figured, if I'm going to jump in, let's go to the source and reduce any noise that might come from other additives.

One bean was successful! No significant reaction. Which is to say I could breathe and nothing was swollen. I was extremely stressed, so some mild tingling and anxiety. Not what I was expecting at all. Quite a pleasant surprise.

The next day I had two beans! I slept for an hour after eating ... this was not exactly notable as I had not got much sleep the night before. To verify, I had two more beans when I woke up and went on a walk with Elle. No problems came up and if anything, I felt good after the walk!

So, how would I raise the stakes from there?

The end game in my mind was soy sauce. I stopped at a local grocery that had a sushi section and grabbed one of the artisanal soy sauce packets. I mixed it into a meal that was safe. The only thing that could fuck with me would be the soy sauce. 

There was no reaction! I don't enjoy the flavor, I don't feel I was missing out. I did however very much enjoy the lack of feeling! My glands didn't swell, my face didn't tingle, my balance wasn't thrown off. I survived. 

I very much don't understand what has happened with my body. This experiment will be on-going. Perhaps I can put my soy-fears behind me and strive forward into a restaurant and just order something without crippling anxiety.

Esophagus woes

On March 11th I went in for an Upper Endoscopy with Ultrasound and Biopsy for a cyst that was found at the end of last year. The plan was to scan it, poke it, and if benign leave it be.

The first procedure seemed to go smoothly enough, as an aside, I am allergic to the general anesthesia Propofol, getting a different concoction made for a much more comfortable experience. I got sent home with some antibiotics and would hear back later in the week for biopsy results. The cyst was determined to be non-cancerous!

First Procedure

The day following the procedure was good. However, Wednesday things went sideways. Slight fever, night sweats, chills, and a creeping pain in my esophagus, I was hoping things would improve, but by Friday I was in tremendous pain and could not speak without going into a coughing fit. I spoke with my doctor. He had me go to the Common Spirit St. Anthony Hospital Emergency Room. I was admitted and underwent a series of tests.

Things were in bad shape. The cyst doubled in size from 2.5cm to 5cm. They were concerned that it was a duplicating cyst, and that there was an infection. I was admitted to the hospital for treatment and monitoring. I stayed from March 15-19th. I was on a rotation of three IV anti-biotics and an antifungal to reduce any infection; with the hope and expectation the cyst would decrease in size and my body would be ready for removal the following week.

I went home Tuesday the 19th and continued to take oral antibiotics until the procedure to remove the cyst Tuesday March 26th. The procedure was called "XI Robot-Assisted Mediastinal and Esophageal Mass Excision". They went in with five incisions on my right side. They collapsed my right lung to get enough room and clearance to poke around in there and extract the cyst. 

Chest Catheter

The whole procedure took about 4 hours and was successful! I woke up with two chest catheters, two IVs, and a few other cords.

Good news was that the cyst was out. The official test results identified the mass as a duplication cyst, which makes me feel as if I should be playing the lottery at this point.

Esophageal duplication cysts are rare congenital anomalies that constitute between 0.5% and 2.5% of all esophageal masses. It is estimated that the incidence of esophageal duplication cysts is one in 8,200 ... (source)

Bad news was that I had two small tears in my esophagus which had to be patched. I was on IV feeding until March 29th. They did many x-rays and scans to ensure I was recovering well. This included an echo scan of my heart to make sure it was still working!

Pick Line

Because I couldn't have anything by mouth they had to give me a pick-line, which was pretty intense. It takes about 20 minutes to prep to put the line in, and about 5 minutes to install it. They ran 42cm long tube from my arm up to my heart. There is a high risk of infection, but it supports three lines at once and allows heavier nutrients to be used. 

On Friday they did a barium swallow test to see how well my esophagus had healed. The test is is an x-ray
while you drink liquid with a contrast, so they could ensure nothing was leaking from my esophagus to the rest of my body.

The test was a success, which allowed me to advance my diet to liquid only. After s few days it advanced again to full liquid (smoothies, peanut butter, and oil). On March 31st they were able to remove one of the two chest catheters. The relief was almost immediate. Thankfully drainage stayed low and they removed the final tube on April 1st. That evening they sent me home. 

Getting home was great, but with its own challenges. The first few nights sleep felt impossible. Sorting out the timing of medication was a feat by itself.

Food was another challenge as I remained on a full liquid diet for two weeks. The nutrition team was worried I would not be able to get enough nutrients or calories because of my soy allergy and keto diet. While the food at the hospital was pretty good, my allergies limited the selection severely. I was able to get enough calories thanks to Elle, who brought me amazing protein smoothies every day, which were very calorically dense and full of fats and protein! With her help, I was able to move to a mechanical soft diet after that and finally to a regular diet a week after. 

I followed up with my surgeon to have my stitches removed Friday April 12th. My doctor let me know it will be 6 weeks until I can go back to anything active. Until then no twisting (no DDR or dancing), stretching (no yoga or PT), or lifting more than 10lbs). I'm not excited about the physical limitations, I know it's part of the recovery process. I'm looking forward to dancing, gaming, and lifting heavy things again.

 Overall, I'm improving a bit each day. Everything is exhausting, the right side of my chest is still numb, and pain comes and goes in waves. I can drive as long as I'm not taking narcotics and most activity is followed by a nap or a long rest. I'm feeling good about the recovery and look forward to getting back to regular activity again.

Here are a few images that are bit more graphic. Mainly a better look at all the wires post operation and holes from the procedure.

Book Review: How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything

How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything: Yes, Anything
by Albert Ellis

This book provides a guide to REBT, Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy. Developed in 1955 by Albert Ellis. The general tone of the book is confrontational and demeaning. The author expresses that life is hard and that is just the way it is, tough. That is echoed through-out. 

I found a summary of this work posted on Thought Co by Cynthia Vinney which summarized the practice well. "[REBT] proposes that psychological ailments arise from our perspective on events, not the events themselves"

With the frequent use of the words musterbation (rigid beliefs that lead people to think in absolute terms like “must” and “should”) and awfulizing (believing an experience or situation is literally the worst thing that could possibly happen) it took me some time to adjust to the flow of the text.

REBT provides tools for investigating underlying beliefs. The author suggests that we hold onto irrational beliefs (IBs) and that they influence our expectations and emotions. By carefully and critically investigating our IBs, we can use the scientific method to challenge ourselves. This can change our rage and depression to discomfort and disappointment. It is also stated that thinking in absolutist terms and holding expectations of how we/others should be treated is ignorant and destructive.

Questioning beliefs about how we, or anyone, ought to act is critical to REBT. Ellis states there are three primary underlying narratives to our Irrational Beliefs.

• I must do well and have the approval by people I identify as important
• Others must treat me fairly and nicely
• Conditions I live in must be comfortable and free of major hassles

By identifying and dissecting our IBs they will most commonly fall into one of these categories. Once we dill down, we can challenge the beliefs, actively dispute them, and adopt rational beliefs. This will improve our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

Another element of REBT is that an act or event does not define a person. If I or someone acts poorly, carelessly, or destructively, that does not define them. It is an act or event that occurred. I or anyone is capable being awful, it does not mean we are awful. It is possible to do and be better.

Additionally, the past does not absolutely dictate the future and should not define us. While we may hold fear that the past will happen again, it is not definite. To believe that the past makes the future absolute is an irrational belief. While it may happen again, we can, with knowledge and positive habits, mitigate the likelihood. It is not guaranteed. 

If someone treats me poorly or states I am a bad person, they are stating they are upset about an action or event that occurred. There may be an opportunity for me to improve, they may also be holding an irrational belief. It is important to accept what happened and not to identify with it. You can also use REBT (either with them if they are willing or without) to identify IBs and improve/change/dissolve the relationship. The relationship changing or ending will not literally end the world, thought it may be unpleasant or uncomfortable.

We can do and be better. We should critically evaluate our beliefs. Leverage learning, community, reward/punishment, visualization, exposure therapy, counselling, and practice. There is a clear message that it is hard work to improve and that failure is part of the experience. With the constant reminder that failing does not make you a failure, you just failed this time. Set reasonable goals and continue to strive for them, adjust when necessary.

I was frustrated with the frequent use of "musterbation" as if trying to force the word into existence. There is also an insistence that this practice is the best damn thing ever and if you can't do it you just aren't believing enough and should try harder. The level of pride in the practice is almost nauseating and dampens the message.

Overall, I found this book to be positive, encouraging self-empowerment and critical thinking. The core message and practices has helped many individuals and I expect will become part of my regular mental processes.

LAN All Night

A quick journey through time. 

My first LAN experience was back in high school. My brothers and I cut a hole in the wall to connect Xbox consoles and challenge each-other without the option of "screen looking". It completely changed my gaming experience.

In collage we would have regular garage LANs with copious amounts of beer, pizza, caffeine, and power surges. It was always a highlight and a great opportunity to connect, celebrate, and explore new game releases.

The first professionally organized event I attended was in 2007. "World Series of Video Games" (WSVG) with The University of Akron Computer Science Club. We packed a couple cars with our computers and drove to Kentucky. I met many nerdy and awkward people expressing their love of gaming.

Since then, I've explored events around the country ranging from large stadiums, computer repair shops, garages, and basements. The experience has always been exciting and energizing. Not only from copious amount of sugar and caffeine. But the opportunity to engage and connect with others sharing a passion for gaming and community. The rush of victory and defeat from people in the same room. Shouts of excitement and of anguish, all feeding into a shared experience and lasting memories.

LAN All Night was hosted in Dallas, May 14-16, 2021 with an online participation option. I heard about the event from a group of friends from Texas (we met at Dreamhack 2016). My brothers and I joined the fun playing games and hanging out virtually.

We competed in tournaments for Golf With Your Friends, Quake Champions, and Rocket League. I took first place in Golf and last place in Rocket League. This event had a long list of sponsors and a lot of prizes! They even gave out a prize for those who placed last in any given tournament. A poster signed by all of the event staff. So if you experienced a crushing defeat you still won something.

There were also non-gaming related events. I participated in a MS Paint competition. The theme was "llama's in space" the requirement was to use only Microsoft Paint. Staff members judged the artwork submitted live on Twitch, It was fun to see what people came up with and I was happy to participate. I received the highest score and won an event medal!

It was a great time and I'm glad I had the opportunity to connect with my brothers and friends in Texas. I look forward to attending more events in the future!

An update will be posted once all the prizes come in! 

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2021-06-22 Prize Update:

Book Review: Cynical Theories

Cynical Theories: How Activist Scholarship Made Everything about Race, Gender, and Identity—and Why This Harms Everybody by Helen Pluckrose
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Is our reality a social construct? What are objective truths that should not be questioned?

Cynical Theories gives a history of several critical theories that have been moving into the societal spotlight. The author does not mask their option or concerns. They provide background, research, examples, and propose solutions.

I was encouraged to question objective truth and engage in open conversation. Rather than safeguarding my beliefs, if proven wrong, I can be confident I am moving toward truth.

Bad ideas cannot be defeated by being oppressed. They should be engaged and defeated in the marketplace of ideas. Through rigorous scrutiny we can refine what is useful within them.

View all my reviews

Having a Whale of a Time

This post is intended as informational.  It is an attempt to share my experience and to let others in my life know about some of my struggles.

Background:

Dissidia Final Fantasy: Opera Omnia is a mobile game. I have been very avoidant of any game on my phone for a couple years now. I find that whenever I have a game installed that requires constant attention I obsess over completing it, earning points, checking in daily and playing for several hours a day. I have a friend that is super excited about this game and was looking for more people to join him. I didn't take a lot of convincing, and I didn't express my obsessive tendencies clearly enough to warrant a second thought.

I started playing on April 18, 2019. This week I've completed all the permanent content that has been made available.

Permanent Content: 

• 28 Lost Chapters
• 13 World of Illusions 
• Maxed 10/12 Summons (Chocobo and Sylph are at 18), 
• Act 1 Chapter 1-11 + Interlude 
• Act 2 Chapter 1 & 2

I've maxed out on all in game resources. All my characters are a minimum of "Crystal Level" 50 and I've unlocked all chests for all 79 of my characters in ultimate Ifrit.

For anyone who plays the game, you may have a sense of how many hours of content and grinding I've condensed in the past two months. I'm curious how long it would take to complete the same amount of content casually. The friend that introduced me to the game started playing over a year and a half ago. He is still working on some of the permanent content if that gives any perspective. In addition, there is new and time limited content that is released weekly. So the story and other elements are to pacify you while they are working on development and it offers the user a way to "earn" in-game currency so they can still have their "free-to-play" model.

So what do I enjoy about this game?

The story is somewhat engaging and the content is somewhat challenging. My friend has played and enjoys most of the Final Fantasy franchise and is excited to talk about and share the experience with me.This game is very reliant on nostalgia and also is a way to get players interested in older games in the franchise.

What is challenging for me? 


It's mindless enough that grinding for hours keeps just enough of my attention that I can get some other things done poorly while playing. The "Hard" content needs slightly more focus and resource management. The "Heretic" quests, which are time limited, need powerful boosted characters or game knowledge and resource management. Most of the game is mind numbing and repetitive with little need for skill and more focus on time and money.

Weekly there are daily rewards, new and time-limited challenges, which require the weapons from the weekly draw to succeed. The new items cost in game currency, you can get this currency by completing content or spending money. If your objective is to beat the new challenges then spending in game currency is a must.


This game revolves around gambling. 

This is a gacha game. Also referred to as "gotcha game". Gacha games are Japanese mobile RPGs that follow the same principle as capsule toy machines "gashapon". To operate a gashapon you put in money and you get an item or a set of items. The items are limited and exclusive, you have a small percent chance to get a "rare" or "ultra-rare" item that no-one else or a fraction of the player-base has. If it is a physical item the resale value is high (think thousands). If it is a digital good there is no legal resale option. Instead it comes with a status, prestige, or sense of accomplishment.

Since I started playing in April I have spent $419.77. By spending over $100 a month for the two months I've been playing puts me a "whale" status. Which isn't a great thing.

Whales are gamers who spend roughly $100 a month on micro transactions. While a smaller percent of the population they make up a large portion of the revenue for game industries. There is shame and disdain that follows the title. Some players want to have all the same items and feel cheated, some get mad at the irresponsible use of money. There are a plenty of stories about players generating thousands or tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt. There isn't much of a positive angle, generally the accounts are locked to a person and resale is against TOS. So the money goes into the game and there is no way to cash out or resell without getting into some trouble.



So what have I leaned?

These style of games are not positive influences in my life. They take my focus and energy and I receive a temporary feeling of accomplishment seeing a "Complete" status or getting the newest item.

I have willpower, determination, and dedication for some aspects of my life and complete lack of control and reason in others. I go through phases of control and chaos. Some periods are better than others. Sometimes I catch myself and recoup, other times I need an intervention or a loss in my life to shock myself back out. At times a loss or shock will drag me in, as a way to relieve whatever anguish I'm looking to escape or avoid.



What now?

Since I've manage to reach my goal of completing all the set content in the game my hope is to move into a less obsessive amount of gameplay. I can play the new content and it shouldn't take up as much of my time. I'll need to either pass on the shiny new thing and be ok with that, or stop playing before I dump thousands of dollars in to the game. Sharing my experience and putting more thought into what I am doing and why helps me to process and tone things down.

Feel free to ask questions or share your own experiences! Have you gotten sucked into a gotcha game or stepped away from one?

Complexity

Here is another installment of the inner workings of my mind. I would like to think that I'm in a frame of mind that (mostly) chills me out and helps me find perspective.

As I have been working to write it out and make sense of it enough to share, it seems ridiculous. But I'm alright with that right now. 

I acknowledge that death is inevitable and with what I know, there is no way to avoid the end for myself or those around me. I'm not going down the whole "what is the point" path of despair, or "you only live once" flippant attitude. I work to be present in the moments I share with others and with myself. To immerse myself in activities I find valuable or fulfilling, knowing that my feelings, opinions, and experiences will most likely change.

This isn't too say I've mastered this, it is just what I strive for.

In my last post I talked about how I feel people lack perspective and empathy, how they are the superheroes in their own story, and ... actually if you haven't read it, I recommend you do. This post may make a little more sense with all that in mind.

I feel that where we disconnect from those around us is our unconscious process "othering". We may be able to agree that we are all individuals trying to survive conceptually, but as we make decisions and process our daily lives I would argue that we don't generally process all of those around us in our lives.

The process of making someone else an "other", a disposable character in our overarching life, seems to be an unconscious act. If we treated everyone as a primary character and interacted meaningfully with literally every person we crossed, it would be debilitating. When I take the effort to pull outside of my own head and my own narrative to see the person next to me, or the person who I feel may have hurt me, it changes how I choose to react. It doesn't change my feelings, I still feel hurt, confused, happy, or sad. I see feelings more as a hard wiring that I may not be able to change. But I can come to a place of acceptance and be more deliberate with my actions.

So, how can we acknowledge the perspective and struggle of others without taking from our own? My answer, I don't know.

There are so many layers and elements to this thought that I find myself stumbling over concepts, and I feel like I need to clarify or explain further. I get caught up in my thoughts. How do I clarify a point when I don't know what questions will follow? Am I able to re-explain? Do I just trash the whole idea? What was I explaining anyway?

I've found my mind makes those around me different, now that I've identified it, I have been working to alter it, to tweak it, to attempt to expand my perspective. It has changed how I interact with others and I feel I am able to better connect, though I may never understand why something was said, or why an action was taken. Its been a hell of a trip.

I spoke with a friend (thanks Dave!) about these thoughts and he helped me to find a word to sum up the experience:

sonder: n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

This can be a bit jarring, yet feel obvious. I would say it is the opposite side of the spectrum is believing that everyone else in the world is a robot, which is a whole different bag of complexity and concern.

So what now? It is unclear to me, but I'm OK with that. I value those in my life and will do what I can to be intentional with my time and theirs if they choose to share it with me. Also, accepting that I'll faultier and forget. 

For those who choose to other me and account for only themselves. They can continue to live in their own world, I don't need to be a part of it. And I'm good with that.

Calmer Than You

So I first approached this post as, how do I find calm? As I thought through it and picked through my brain it morphed more into personal truths. With that said, here is where I'm at currently in my life! If there are any items you would like me to expand on leave a comment! I could turn just about any of these items into a post on its own, but I have been working on this for a few weeks now and wanted to get it out there.

Everything is bullshit.

Everything? Yes. The why may become clear after reading through my other personal truths.

Facts are only facts until new data proves otherwise.

A lot of what people state as facts are personal antidotes or personal experiences that are applied to a all future experiences. There is nothing inherently wrong with this, it is how we navigate the world, how we learn, and how we stay alive. But I accept that I don't know everything and that there is more to learn. As far as I know, science is based on the scientific method. At times a new discovery shakes the very core of what is known and unknown. Keep this in mind when arguing a fact, dig into the research, look for bias, find perspective. Be open to new or conflicting ideas. That isn't too say reject everything, don't be a dick.

You don't matter, none of this matters.

Who can really see and process "the big picture"? We can't all step into The Total Perspective Vortex and grasp the full gravity of the universe without having our brains melt. I don't see my actions or ideas shaking the known universe or altering the future as it stands. I guess you could take it as a way to be humble? I don't try to place myself in the universe, I like to believe that my life has value, at least to myself and to those around me who care for me.

No-one deserves anything.

We can earn things, we can inherit, make opportunities, pay for things, but nothing is deserved. When we feel obligated and pressured to give our time, attention, love, energy, or any part of ourselves I find that it feels bad and it isn't something I want to do or entertain. Why would I put that pressure on anyone else? So I don't.

Age alone does not make someone an "adult".

For most of my life I've seen adults as another entity, another organism that demanded respect. As I've grown, my body and my mind has shifted, adapted, absorbed information. Now I see people I've grown with in the same lifestyle and mentality that they had in high-school or college. Never moving from that stage of life. I've also seen others grow into brilliance. Being older does not demand respect, it should be earned. Getting older does not make anyone wiser, stronger, or anything other than older. Growth takes time yes, it also takes energy, focus, and effort. We can learn from experience or ignore it and stagnate. I prefer to learn.

People lack perspective and empathy.

Ever get frustrated because someone seems to be acting irrationally given a situation? 

Ever feel like someone doesn't get what it feels like to ___? 

Wouldn't it be nice if they had more perspective? 

Wouldn't it be great if I had more perspective? 

Lets focus now on things we can influence.
How can I gain perspective? 

What other angle can I see this situation from? 

It doesn't mean that I'll make sense of the situation, or that the other view-point is more correct or even rational! Not narrating myself as the victim helps me to deal with the decisions of others without getting as frustrated. Hard times, bad experiences, happy experiences, strange life moments, all are opportunities to gain experience, moments we can develop empathy to share with others. To experience part of a similar emotion. When I had my first migraine I was crying in darkness thinking about how bad it felt and how, at the end of it, I would have a tool to help empathize with others who told me they were experiencing a migraine. The experience will not be the same, but I felt my own pain and loss of function to possibly better assist others.

Everyone is the hero of their own life story.

Everyone has a story about their lives where all of their actions are justifiable. While to others may see the decisions as detached from reality, logically flawed, morally questionable, or outright destructive the hero in this story may only be able to grasp their perspective and experience, completely ignorant or blind to how their actions affect the lives around them. I take this into account when trying to parse the actions of others. While this doesn't ultimately justify or make every action "correct" it provides me with some perspective. I can then choose how I react and how I interact with them in the future. If someone is always pulling out the extraordinary self-justifying story, I'll distance myself best I can.

Everyone should see a therapist.

We see doctors for our physical health and are encouraged to do so regularly. We encourage others to see family doctors, dentists, gynecologists, eye doctors, allergy specialists, and a long list of medical professionals to keep our body running. But what about our minds? What about mental health and well-being? This has been a way for me to get a reality check and to get a professional view as to what level of crazy I'm at. It has been a great reset or re-balance of perspective and has helped to pull me out of some dark defeated experiences. I encourage others to seek therapy and actively speak against those who bash or talk down the idea of mental health.

Lets talk options.

I'm a big fan of options. Knowing what my options are or thinking what other options I can come up with. These may be terrible ideas and options I would not choose, but a brainstorming session helps me to generate more ideas and options that may be more favorable. I get frustrated when I hear "this is the ONLY way", I see it more as "this is the only option I'm willing to consider". This turns a conversation into a battle and stunts ideas and exploration.

Your feelings are valid.

While feelings don't make a lot of sense a lot of the time you can't control them, acknowledge them, I can feel whatever I'm feeling without bashing my emotions and things I can't necessarily control.

You can't choose how you feel, you can choose how you act on those feelings.

I don't know about you, but I can't turn my feelings off. Am I feeling depressed and can't identify a source? Well alright, that is fine I can feel that. That doesn't mean I beat myself up and decide to change what I feel. No, I feel it, accept it, then move forward when I am able to. I covered more of this concept in my last post about The Happiness Trap. If you haven't read it or the post, check it out! If you think your feelings control you, this may help shift that.

Be comfortable with silence.

While we can't experience total silence (breath, heartbeat, wind, birds, trees) I push myself into moments of silence and sit with it. Not having every moment filled with music, conversation, and noise is maddening at first. But I have come to appreciate breaks in conversation, moments of mostly quiet, enjoying the breath and heartbeat of others. My mind may still race, but I don't feel anxiety when I can't find words to fill the space.

That's all I have so far! Thanks for sticking with me to the end there! A lot bouncing around my brain all the time here. It is challenging trying to identify how I can best translate my feelings into words. I'm not exactly sure why this makes me calm, but I'm happy to have had the experiences that got me to this state of mind.

Book: The Happiness Trap

The Happiness Trap was recommended to me a few months ago by my therapist. I recently collected and shared some of my thoughts with him, and wanted to post them for others who may be interested.

If you would like to read this book you can get a free digital copy from The Internet Archive! Just click the link for a PDF.

For some background, The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, is a book that follows the ACT method. The tagline is "A guide to ACT: the  mindfulness-based program for reducing stress, overcoming fear, and creating a rich and meaningful life". It comes off like a hoax or a lame get rich quick guide, but lets move past that and get into it.

The ACT acronym in this case stands for: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. This is a form of counseling and a branch of clinical behavior analysis. Learning about this method was significant to me because I feel I have been practicing a form of this in my life. It was positive for me to see this as a more coherent and tangible resource I could share with others, rather than fumbling through my thoughts for an explanation. 

I like that The Happiness Trap focuses on self awareness and acceptance. There is a constant reminder to acknowledge and accept our feelings and emotions. Not to change, reject, overcome, or shame them, but to accept. Being able to take our feelings as they are, emotional responses, and to take control and ownership of our actions is empowering and challenging. Taking the time to observe how our body and mind react, to breath,provide space, allow the sensation and feeling to be there. These concepts have helped me to grow and become more comfortable with myself and my thoughts.

The author discusses how to view our interactions with others. We can feel trapped or overwhelmed by friends or family that are constantly negative or toxic in our lives. The focus isn't to manipulate or control them, but to focus on what we can do. A reminder that staying true to our values and asking for the respect or space we need can help create a more positive experience. The author reminds us that being helpful, loving and supportive to others doesn't mean subjecting ourselves to abuse. While it may seem like an obvious statement, I find the reminder helps me assess my connections honestly, rather than providing excuses for others.

Overall The Happiness Trap helps to acknowledge not only our feelings and experiences, but the feelings and experiences of others. I feel this allows those around us to feel heard and validated. It doesn't state that certain feelings are right or wrong, but acknowledges them. This can help us move forward or dive into the underlying fears with less resistance or defense. 

Half way through the book they take time to explain that ACT is a tool that helps to accept the pain that inevitably comes with living. The author makes a point to distance from religion or religious like practices. I feel they set fairly good ground work and really push to adjust perspective and perception of our emotions. The intention isn't to create a cult or law, but to remind us that these are guidelines and that we will struggle. Some concepts and exercises will work for you, others will not, use what works. There isn't a definitive end to our journey of growth, keep moving forward, and know that sometimes you will fall back.

Something that stood out to me was the author breaking the fourth wall several times. It is almost humorous and feels cheesy, but it provides a reminder to take the time to try and experience the exercises. This also acknowledges that the aversion to trying them is common and expected. This book wasn't designed to speed read or skim for highlights. It attempts to provide some practical application to really get you into a space with less stress, fear, and more meaning.

Overall I found the book to be a positive influence on my brain. There were some sections and stories that I reacted with a cringe or a sigh, but I found the message and concepts in this book refreshing and empowering. Finding "happiness" or striving to "be happy" is not a goal I have. Identifying and living by my values sounds a lot better.

"True success is living by your values"

2017 What Adventure

It has been a while since I've written, I can't say that I have nothing to write about, but I haven't felt driven to write. I feel like I've been on a bit of an emotional roller-coaster, just like everyone else.

2017 has passed, a lot has happened in the past year!

I purchased my second duplex, traveled to burning man, gained and lost friends, hit a fitness goal, did some cosplay, lost my gains, started a Meetup group, did some personal growth.

Looking though my photo folder it reminds me of happy and sad times in 2017. I traveled to Saint Louis, Massachusetts, Nevada, Texas, and Colorado.

I've had quite the range of experience this year, without my photos I would have difficulty remembering the breadth of experience. Generally I feel that time goes quickly because my memory fails me.

To share some of the more current things in my life. I am planning a party for my brothers and I for our 33rd birthday. A friend suggested it to me last year and I figured I would run with it. I rented out the "Silver Room" at a dance studio I've been to on and off for a few years now. I'm not sure how the range of friends will interact, having such a diverse set of interests across three different brothers, but I'll do my best to enjoy myself. With plans to remember the night.

I purchased myself a treadmill from Craigslist this week, I spoke with my friend Dave and he suggested it was one of the best times to pick up a used one, right around now the New Year resolutions have gone into full fail mode and the exercise equipment that seemed like a great gift can't get out of the house fast enough. The one I ended up with retails around $350 and had been sitting in the basement for two years with minimal use. I rented a truck from Home Depot for $20 and picked it up for $140.

It feels like a good investment to battle the weather and the desire to remove the fat feeling. I considered signing back up to the gym at work to run, but I don't want to be in the office any longer than necessary and If i'm just running the treadmill costs the same as 4 months in the gym. I also avoid the feeling of dread from walking into the office off-hours or on my day off.

So what is on the horizon for 2018?

• I'm becoming more active with the non-monogamy community in the area. 
• I'm working with a financial adviser to see what options I have investing in the future! 
• I've been seeing a therapist to find opportunities for growth while working through sad feelings. 
• I've set myself up to run 3-5 times a week (with my newly purchased treadmill), this is something I enjoy doing and can help regain some aspect of fitness in my life. I would like to get back to my zombie photo shoot level of fitness ... hopefully while maintaining more of my sanity this time!
• I'm gearing up for a few travel adventures (I'll make some update along the way).

I have a quote sitting on my desk that helps me when I'm looking back on the past.

"Time holds too many possibilities. It is madness to try and re-live the past -- we must accept it and go on. What is ... is ..." X-Men Oct '96 #36

How was your 2017? 

Hypoglycemia

Yesterday I had a hypoglycemic episode, its been a several months since my last experience and it never really gets any easier. I'm posting this hopefully to help explain my experience and what others can do to help.

I'm not sure if this is how others experience hypoglycemic shock, but it is how my body reacts.

Here is some background on Hypoglycemic Shock:

Hypoglycemic Shock and Hyperglycemia

If not enough food is ingested, then the blood sugar drops (hypoglycemia) and no glucose is available to enter the cells, even if there is enough insulin to permit glucose to enter the cells. The brain is very susceptible to low blood sugars, and coma has a very quick onset. Treatment is providing sugar. If the person is awake enough to swallow, a sugar solution by mouth is used, otherwise, intravenous fluids containing glucose are provided. If the lack of sugar was of short duration, the person will awaken almost immediately after treatment. If blood sugars remain low for prolonged periods of time, the brain's ability to recover is potentially lost.

So with all this the primary concern is going into a coma, which thankfully I haven't experienced since I was a child. I do however have a series of symptoms which seem to happen pre-coma, and some panic ensues on my end if I'm not prepared.

Generally I'll keep protein bars and glucose tablets everywhere. At my home, in my car, at my work, in my man-bag, and in my suitcase. Just so I can have a quick pick me up if I feel I need it. Here is the general progression.

• Hunger
• Lightheaded
• Loss of vision
• Headaches
• Sensitivity to light
• Nausea

This is as usually as far as things will go for me, once my vision starts to go I'm pretty much fucked as far as productivity and function for the the next 12 - 24 hours.

So what do I mean by loss of vision? Well I see stars and vision gets spotty. I've tried to Photoshop an image to loosely match what things looked like for me yesterday, excuse my shoop skills.

Before

After

At this point I need to get a glucose tablet and some complex sugar into my system. They are inexpensive but can go bad if they aren't stored in a cool dry place, so having it in the car for an extended time can go poorly.

The headaches can creep into migraine territory depending on when I'm able to start the recovery process, if things devolve to vomiting it can generally relieve the headache for a time, but at that point its probably time for a hospital visit for some sugar fluid solution and monitoring.

So what can you do to help?

Here is a simplified list to guide you!

• Calm the hell down

I'm most likely already in a panic by the time I let you know my vision is going out, and having more people worried that I'm going to die is not going to help me cope.

• Become familiar with some of the glucose tablet locations

I won't really be able to communicate or process much of anything very well, I will be very happy to eat a tablet if you put it in my face. Resorting to straight sugar or a high sugar snack or dumping sugar in my mouth may seem like a reasonable grab, and is highly recommended if I'm already comatose, but if I haven't passed out I would prefer less drastic measures.

• Grab a protein bar

The glucose tablet will help me to stabilize and calm down, the protein bar will help my body recover and become somewhat functional again.

• Get some ibuprofen or Excedrin migraine

I will have a headache, if I don't have one yet, it is coming don't you worry. I used the migraine medicine the first time yesterday, overall positive results.

• Help me to bed

I won't be able to do much other than lay in the dark and try to sleep it off. I'll be ready to eat when I wake up but I'll be pretty physically drained.

That is the basic rundown of the experience and what you can do, thanks for reading and I hope you never have to deal with it!

Post Burn: Time To Reflect

I'm back from Burning Man 2017 and I'm alive! It was quite the adventure and I'm very much mentally exhausted.

Before you ask me "how was burning man?" I would suggest watching this video answering exactly that. It captures many parts of the experience and keeps the humor.

I think that some people really enjoy the Burning Man experience, although I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to anyone. While there are those that make it their purpose to attend every year, I don't think I'll be doing it again anytime soon.

There are so many places I could start the adventure, buying the ticket, preparing for the event, buying luggage, traveling there ... since I wrote about the luggage and ride to the airport in my last post I can start with the our arrival to Reno.

Getting into Reno

The flight itself was uneventful, we landed around 5 pm (8 pm EST) and got a ride to our hotel. After getting an Uber to Whole Food for a meal and walking to Target for a pillow, 1 ply toilet paper, and a gallon of water, we got to soak in a jetted tub and sleep in a king bed before getting to the dusty playa.

The Week of Dust

Something I heard a lot from friends and acquaintances who heard I was attending Burning Man was "take a lot of pictures". This wasn't really something that happened for me. One of the principals of Burning Man is immediacy. That and the declaration that you must "ask for consent" prior to taking any photos of people who were attending.

This guideline/rule wasn't followed by all 70,000 attendees, but it wasn't something that I felt particularly good about pulling out a camera and taking a photo or video of the moments I was experiencing, I preferred to experience the moment.

With that said I have about 40 photos from 8 days of travel. There were a few structures and moments that grabbed my attention. I'll include a few choice photos in the blog, if you want to see the rest feel free to send me a message! There are plenty online from others who decided that was how they wanted to spend their burn.

The Ride to the Black Rock Desert

In the morning we got another Uber back to the airport to jump on the Burning Man Express. Which is a great service they offer to burners from both Reno and San Francisco. The trip from Reno is about 3 hours. Once you arrive at the gate wait times during the first 36 hours after opening can be five or more hours. With the Burner Express you get to skip the line and go right in!

We got several materials to read on our trip and an event guide so we could plan out our week if we wanted.

The ride itself was fairly uneventful, it is about 150 miles from the airport to Black Rock City (BRC) and the bus was comfy enough. Nancy and I were together in the back of the bus and people were either talking to the group they came with or having casual conversations with those next to them.

There wasn't really much to see coming in, the most interesting part was the last set of local stores before getting to BRC, "burner" items for sale, a bunch of pieces of clothing that glows and hippy outfits. I was interested in browsing but our bus wasn't set to stop anywhere except the playa.

It was nice to skip the line, once we got close to the gate they had someone get on the bus and scan and verify everyone's tickets. We did have a guy in the back of the bus with us that had a counterfeit ticket. They escorted him off the bus and gave him his luggage. The others on the bus said that if he had any wits about him that he would find a ticket and get into the event before they sent him 150 miles back to Reno.

Later I heard about other people ending up with counter fit tickets or needing an extra ticket and ended up with 2 or 3 free options from others coming in to the event. I'm very happy to have purchased my ticket from the main sale, dealing with any of that would stressed me out entirely too much.

After our bus was clear to pass we drove up, slowly, to the drop. The speed limit getting in is 10 mph and once you are in BRC the speed limit is 5 mph. They were handing out fines of at least $1,000 for speeding. So you want to take it slow out there for sure. Both to preserve the environment and to stop an exponential growth of costs.

On the Playa

Once we got off the bus we were hit with a lot of sun and a lot of dust. There were several Burner Bus employees/volunteers who were welcoming the new arrivals.

If you declared yourself as a first time burner, a "virgin", they:

• Line you up around a bell
• Lay down in the dust and make a dust angle (think snow angel)
• Roll to the right for a while
• Roll to the left
• Ring the bell and yell "I'M NOT A VIRGIN ANYMORE"

I did not partake in this ritual personally. I was adjusting and absorbing information and decided that I would rather watch than roll around. I would not say that I feel like I missed out by any stretch of the imagination, I had plenty of time to meld with the dust over the week.

After watching that spectacle we waited under a shade structure while they brought a separate truck to drop off our luggage.

The objective for us after getting our luggage was to find a way to our respective camps. I was staying with Tango'd up in Blues (TUIB), and Nancy was staying with the board game and coffee camp, SNAP.

I was ready to push myself to the camp and get things moving, I wanted to set up our tents, get our rental bikes, and get myself some water.

Nancy was really drained and did not have the energy to drag two pieces of luggage through ground, which was very much unpredictable in consistency and mobility. She waited for the satellite bus to come by and drop her off in a location relatively closer to her camp.

I managed to find my camp after some minor struggles and set up my tent pretty quickly. I met up with Nancy and got our bikes and then ventured for water. It was a bit challenging to carry a 5 gallon water jug on the handlebars of a bike, but I did just fine.

It was quite an exhausting travel and first walk around the playa to get ready for the week. I ended up going to sleep pretty early the first night, probably around 8:30 or 9 pm. I was told that it was the hottest day and the warmest night people had experienced out there. Which is to say it was grueling in the morning and pleasant at night.

The first scheduled event that I attended during my burn was "Ask a drunk scientist", they offered beer and scientific talk. I didn't have a question to ask but I enjoyed listening to them talk about theoretical science and teach them about micro dance.

I found that talking with people and hearing their story and what interests them was one of the things I enjoyed about Burning Man, the question of "what do you do" with the underlying question being "how do you make money in the default world" still came up, I tried to divert or avoid it when I felt I could, I don't generally enjoy talking about that, but it seems to be a go-to even in a remote area like the Black Rock Desert.

Early in the week I decided to take a trip to see The Man, which is a giant structure that is built differently every year and burned. When The Man burns it is a big celebration, there doesn't really seem to be a reason for it as far as I could identify, but people do enjoy the hell out of it.

The experience for me was not as I would have hoped. The general conversation and interaction with people was pleasant, but for whatever reason, out of the 69,998 attendees at the event I end up next to some first year burner that is 6+ ft tall and wanted to stand while everyone, other than his 4 other friends around him was sitting.

After asking to sit in-front or beside so I could see, I pushed past him to sit down. He was not happy with me, but people around him threw a bunch of kindness his way. But pride was more important than kindness, so he stood, and we were able to see a little less than half of what was going on.

Even back at the distance we were, we could feel the heat from the flames. I didn't bother trying to take a photo, but there are plenty of others who did, so I included one of them!

The experience did leave me angry, but it wasn't hard to cool down after leaving the area. And while it wasn't a great burn experience, there were plenty of other experiences and a wide range of emotions throughout the week to process and work through.

I did find out later that someone ran into the flames, I have no information regarding that and did not see it myself, you are welcome to google it, but there is little out there.

Another big structure that is burned every year is The Temple. While the burning of The Man is treated as a celebration, the burning of The Temple is sacred and met with silence.

The Temple is a place that attendees come to let go of something in their lives, to promote an organization, or movement they want to share. There were memorials of lost loved ones, pets, painful memories written out, trinkets, clothing, anything which had value or a memory to let go.

Generally people were reading, in quiet reflection, or crying. There was minimal conversation and noise, at times there was peaceful chanting or singing. It was a place with a lot of emotion.

The burn of The Temple was quite a different experience. There wasn't a big show leading up to the burn, it went up exactly at 8 pm on Sunday. The sounds that filled the air was that of wood crackling and the cries of those who were most likely reflecting on what they had placed in the temple.

I did not write or place anything inside to burn, but I was happy to have experienced walking through The Temple and watching it burn. I would recommend making time for this if you attend.


There were a lot of experiences available at Burning Man, and I feel that if you were looking for something, you could find it. Whether that was a hug, a drink, a trip, board games, dodge-ball, a skate-park, an arcade, aerial silks, ice-cream, sex, counseling, quite spaces, cuddle spaces, workshops, friends, enemies, and everything in between.

I don't know what I was looking for during my experience, I felt like I was mostly just wandering without a direction or a plan, I did this more and more as the week went on, never really satisfied or happy with the experience, but not totally sad either.

I did have a night of dancing at my camp "Tango'd up in Blues" which felt like every other dance weekend I've been to around the world. It was a surreal experience, and it was one that brought up panic and the need to go somewhere else. I had made a friend dancing, Jackie, and she accompanied me in a night-time exploration of the playa. We found several party camps giving drinks and spinning shitty EDM music. We found Tesla towers arching electricity and playing music with the different pitches. There were art cars spitting fire, and a boat illuminated with LEDs rocking out with people dancing inside and outside.

We were out dancing and exploring until 3 am. Jackie was very supportive and excited to explore, she was happy to stay at each place as long or as short as I needed. I feel like that was one of my more enjoyable nights and I was happy to have had the experience.

To share another positive experience without a good transition, Nancy has been approached by some of her camp mates at SNAP to take some time and talk about non-monogamy and polyamory. The next day we had about 6 or 7 people sitting with us asking questions and listening to our experience. We talked for at least 2 hours with those who came out.

There were a few camps that had discussions or workshops regarding polyamory but I was happy that we could share our experiences with others who were interested.

Journey Home

Getting home was a combination of stress and relief. Losing my passport felt pretty bad, but I did manage to get home even without it. Vegas and Burning Man have that going for them at least, so the TSA was kind to me. After an "enhanced pat-down" and a look through my luggage I was on my way.

But even before I got to the airport we got to take the bus home. There were plenty of signs for car washes, trash dumps, and "Indian Tacos".

Quite a few broken down cars and RVs on the road, which must be a terrible experience in itself.

There wasn't a lot of conversation on the bus, I was tired and wasn't looking to start up conversation or trying to share my experience with those around me.

Getting back to Reno and staying at a Hilton for the night before heading back to Cleveland was a good choice. The opportunity to shower and scrub some dust off myself and some of my things was very much needed.

There wasn't much time to relax back into society since we were in NV and there were plenty of advertisements and gambling around us. The contrast between the experience of Burning Man and Vegas was jarring.


Closing Thoughts

I wasn't sure how I wanted to write about my experience, if I wanted to give a daily breakdown or even share anything at all. I feel it has resulted in the jumbled mess that you have just read.

Overall I enjoyed the experience and I feel happy to have had the opportunity to participate. I also feel that I struggled to find a camp and group that I felt at home with.

I really enjoyed the times that I connected with people, talking about passions and sharing new ideas.

I was very annoyed at those returning burners who felt that the nights weren't cold enough, there wasn't enough dust storms, and how much better the construction of The Temple, The Man, or art, was another year.

It felt like a whole lot of nostalgia that was cocking up the whole immediacy thing. I feel that each burn should be a unique experience for those 70 thousand (+/-) who attend.

Trying to chase after the perfect burn or some familiar experience on the playa is not how I envision Burning Man. So #FuckYourNostalgia and enjoy the dust, let me know if you take the journey.

And no, I didn't push the button.