How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything: Yes, Anythingby Albert Ellis
This book provides a guide to REBT, Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy. Developed in 1955 by Albert Ellis. The general tone of the book is confrontational and demeaning. The author expresses that life is hard and that is just the way it is, tough. That is echoed through-out.
I found a summary of this work posted on Thought Co by Cynthia Vinney which summarized the practice well. "[REBT] proposes that psychological ailments arise from our perspective on events, not the events themselves"
With the frequent use of the words musterbation (rigid beliefs that lead people to think in absolute terms like “must” and “should”) and awfulizing (believing an experience or situation is literally the worst thing that could possibly happen) it took me some time to adjust to the flow of the text.
REBT provides tools for investigating underlying beliefs. The author suggests that we hold onto irrational beliefs (IBs) and that they influence our expectations and emotions. By carefully and critically investigating our IBs, we can use the scientific method to challenge ourselves. This can change our rage and depression to discomfort and disappointment. It is also stated that thinking in absolutist terms and holding expectations of how we/others should be treated is ignorant and destructive.
Questioning beliefs about how we, or anyone, ought to act is critical to REBT. Ellis states there are three primary underlying narratives to our Irrational Beliefs.
- I must do well and have the approval by people I identify as important
- Others must treat me fairly and nicely
- Conditions I live in must be comfortable and free of major hassles
By identifying and dissecting our IBs they will most commonly fall into one of these categories. Once we dill down, we can challenge the beliefs, actively dispute them, and adopt rational beliefs. This will improve our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
Another element of REBT is that an act or event does not define a person. If I or someone acts poorly, carelessly, or destructively, that does not define them. It is an act or event that occurred. I or anyone is capable being awful, it does not mean we are awful. It is possible to do and be better.
Additionally, the past does not absolutely dictate the future and should not define us. While we may hold fear that the past will happen again, it is not definite. To believe that the past makes the future absolute is an irrational belief. While it may happen again, we can, with knowledge and positive habits, mitigate the likelihood. It is not guaranteed.
If someone treats me poorly or states I am a bad person, they are stating they are upset about an action or event that occurred. There may be an opportunity for me to improve, they may also be holding an irrational belief. It is important to accept what happened and not to identify with it. You can also use REBT (either with them if they are willing or without) to identify IBs and improve/change/dissolve the relationship. The relationship changing or ending will not literally end the world, thought it may be unpleasant or uncomfortable.
We can do and be better. We should critically evaluate our beliefs. Leverage learning, community, reward/punishment, visualization, exposure therapy, counselling, and practice. There is a clear message that it is hard work to improve and that failure is part of the experience. With the constant reminder that failing does not make you a failure, you just failed this time. Set reasonable goals and continue to strive for them, adjust when necessary.
I was frustrated with the frequent use of "musterbation" as if trying to force the word into existence. There is also an insistence that this practice is the best damn thing ever and if you can't do it you just aren't believing enough and should try harder. The level of pride in the practice is almost nauseating and dampens the message.
Overall, I found this book to be positive, encouraging self-empowerment and critical thinking. The core message and practices has helped many individuals and I expect will become part of my regular mental processes.
