Having a Whale of a Time

This post is intended as informational.  It is an attempt to share my experience and to let others in my life know about some of my struggles.

Background:

Dissidia Final Fantasy: Opera Omnia is a mobile game. I have been very avoidant of any game on my phone for a couple years now. I find that whenever I have a game installed that requires constant attention I obsess over completing it, earning points, checking in daily and playing for several hours a day. I have a friend that is super excited about this game and was looking for more people to join him. I didn't take a lot of convincing, and I didn't express my obsessive tendencies clearly enough to warrant a second thought.

I started playing on April 18, 2019. This week I've completed all the permanent content that has been made available.

Permanent Content: 

• 28 Lost Chapters
• 13 World of Illusions 
• Maxed 10/12 Summons (Chocobo and Sylph are at 18), 
• Act 1 Chapter 1-11 + Interlude 
• Act 2 Chapter 1 & 2

I've maxed out on all in game resources. All my characters are a minimum of "Crystal Level" 50 and I've unlocked all chests for all 79 of my characters in ultimate Ifrit.

For anyone who plays the game, you may have a sense of how many hours of content and grinding I've condensed in the past two months. I'm curious how long it would take to complete the same amount of content casually. The friend that introduced me to the game started playing over a year and a half ago. He is still working on some of the permanent content if that gives any perspective. In addition, there is new and time limited content that is released weekly. So the story and other elements are to pacify you while they are working on development and it offers the user a way to "earn" in-game currency so they can still have their "free-to-play" model.

So what do I enjoy about this game?

The story is somewhat engaging and the content is somewhat challenging. My friend has played and enjoys most of the Final Fantasy franchise and is excited to talk about and share the experience with me.This game is very reliant on nostalgia and also is a way to get players interested in older games in the franchise.

What is challenging for me? 


It's mindless enough that grinding for hours keeps just enough of my attention that I can get some other things done poorly while playing. The "Hard" content needs slightly more focus and resource management. The "Heretic" quests, which are time limited, need powerful boosted characters or game knowledge and resource management. Most of the game is mind numbing and repetitive with little need for skill and more focus on time and money.

Weekly there are daily rewards, new and time-limited challenges, which require the weapons from the weekly draw to succeed. The new items cost in game currency, you can get this currency by completing content or spending money. If your objective is to beat the new challenges then spending in game currency is a must.


This game revolves around gambling. 

This is a gacha game. Also referred to as "gotcha game". Gacha games are Japanese mobile RPGs that follow the same principle as capsule toy machines "gashapon". To operate a gashapon you put in money and you get an item or a set of items. The items are limited and exclusive, you have a small percent chance to get a "rare" or "ultra-rare" item that no-one else or a fraction of the player-base has. If it is a physical item the resale value is high (think thousands). If it is a digital good there is no legal resale option. Instead it comes with a status, prestige, or sense of accomplishment.

Since I started playing in April I have spent $419.77. By spending over $100 a month for the two months I've been playing puts me a "whale" status. Which isn't a great thing.

Whales are gamers who spend roughly $100 a month on micro transactions. While a smaller percent of the population they make up a large portion of the revenue for game industries. There is shame and disdain that follows the title. Some players want to have all the same items and feel cheated, some get mad at the irresponsible use of money. There are a plenty of stories about players generating thousands or tens of thousands of dollars worth of debt. There isn't much of a positive angle, generally the accounts are locked to a person and resale is against TOS. So the money goes into the game and there is no way to cash out or resell without getting into some trouble.



So what have I leaned?

These style of games are not positive influences in my life. They take my focus and energy and I receive a temporary feeling of accomplishment seeing a "Complete" status or getting the newest item.

I have willpower, determination, and dedication for some aspects of my life and complete lack of control and reason in others. I go through phases of control and chaos. Some periods are better than others. Sometimes I catch myself and recoup, other times I need an intervention or a loss in my life to shock myself back out. At times a loss or shock will drag me in, as a way to relieve whatever anguish I'm looking to escape or avoid.



What now?

Since I've manage to reach my goal of completing all the set content in the game my hope is to move into a less obsessive amount of gameplay. I can play the new content and it shouldn't take up as much of my time. I'll need to either pass on the shiny new thing and be ok with that, or stop playing before I dump thousands of dollars in to the game. Sharing my experience and putting more thought into what I am doing and why helps me to process and tone things down.

Feel free to ask questions or share your own experiences! Have you gotten sucked into a gotcha game or stepped away from one?

Complexity

Here is another installment of the inner workings of my mind. I would like to think that I'm in a frame of mind that (mostly) chills me out and helps me find perspective.

As I have been working to write it out and make sense of it enough to share, it seems ridiculous. But I'm alright with that right now. 

I acknowledge that death is inevitable and with what I know, there is no way to avoid the end for myself or those around me. I'm not going down the whole "what is the point" path of despair, or "you only live once" flippant attitude. I work to be present in the moments I share with others and with myself. To immerse myself in activities I find valuable or fulfilling, knowing that my feelings, opinions, and experiences will most likely change.

This isn't too say I've mastered this, it is just what I strive for.

In my last post I talked about how I feel people lack perspective and empathy, how they are the superheroes in their own story, and ... actually if you haven't read it, I recommend you do. This post may make a little more sense with all that in mind.

I feel that where we disconnect from those around us is our unconscious process "othering". We may be able to agree that we are all individuals trying to survive conceptually, but as we make decisions and process our daily lives I would argue that we don't generally process all of those around us in our lives.

The process of making someone else an "other", a disposable character in our overarching life, seems to be an unconscious act. If we treated everyone as a primary character and interacted meaningfully with literally every person we crossed, it would be debilitating. When I take the effort to pull outside of my own head and my own narrative to see the person next to me, or the person who I feel may have hurt me, it changes how I choose to react. It doesn't change my feelings, I still feel hurt, confused, happy, or sad. I see feelings more as a hard wiring that I may not be able to change. But I can come to a place of acceptance and be more deliberate with my actions.

So, how can we acknowledge the perspective and struggle of others without taking from our own? My answer, I don't know.

There are so many layers and elements to this thought that I find myself stumbling over concepts, and I feel like I need to clarify or explain further. I get caught up in my thoughts. How do I clarify a point when I don't know what questions will follow? Am I able to re-explain? Do I just trash the whole idea? What was I explaining anyway?

I've found my mind makes those around me different, now that I've identified it, I have been working to alter it, to tweak it, to attempt to expand my perspective. It has changed how I interact with others and I feel I am able to better connect, though I may never understand why something was said, or why an action was taken. Its been a hell of a trip.

I spoke with a friend (thanks Dave!) about these thoughts and he helped me to find a word to sum up the experience:

sonder: n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

This can be a bit jarring, yet feel obvious. I would say it is the opposite side of the spectrum is believing that everyone else in the world is a robot, which is a whole different bag of complexity and concern.

So what now? It is unclear to me, but I'm OK with that. I value those in my life and will do what I can to be intentional with my time and theirs if they choose to share it with me. Also, accepting that I'll faultier and forget. 

For those who choose to other me and account for only themselves. They can continue to live in their own world, I don't need to be a part of it. And I'm good with that.